When we are children, we have all sorts of desires. Sugary snacks, a hug or a toy are common examples. These are physical desires that can only be resolved through physical means. Either the child gets what they want or there’s a suitable replacement for it. As adults, we obviously continue to have physical desires, such as food, sleep, sex and fulfilling work.
But then there are also emotional or psychological desires that we will experience throughout our lives. For example, we desire love, connection, peace of mind and fulfillment. As you can imagine, emotional desires can only be resolved through emotional means. Physical means will not suffice.
The Buddha was reputed to say that desire was the root of suffering. Translators have now replaced the word “desire” with “thirst.” For the sake of this argument, either word can work but “thirst” is a more accurate word because it highlights suffering in a way that “desire” cannot.
When people desire something, it is often considered to be a good thing. It is good to want to strive for something. It is good to have a goal to achieve. But if these were true, why is it that people get frustrated when a desire takes a long time to be realized? It is because desire is ultimately the same as wanting or thirst.
Being thirsty whether physically or emotionally for a few minutes isn’t so bad. Being thirsty for several hours, days, weeks, months or even years is excruciating. It is likely to lead to some sort of physical or emotional damage.
Let’s use a romantic relationship as an example.
You desire a loving, romantic relationship. You didn’t invent the desire; you just like what you like. Nothing you can do about that. But what happens is that we want the desire fulfilled because it is painful to have a desire; it is pleasurable to have a desire fulfilled.
As a result, you will unconsciously project our desire fulfilled onto someone who (for better or for worse) seems familiar or has characteristics that you admire. What invariably happens is that this person cannot give you what you want. Maybe they can give some, but not all. And so, you give up. You were very much in love with them but that was partly because of what you projected onto them.
But because this is all being done unconsciously, you try again. You project your desire fulfilled onto someone else and you suffer the same fate.
Eventually, you get tired of trying to fulfill the desire and you give up completely. And that is when the relationship comes. This is why it is said that you will find love when you least expect it or when you stop looking.
The hopeless romantic never seems to get to this place. They never give up. Even when they give up, they find another gear and try again. But their efforts will be in vain because they do not understand the problem and therefore cannot enact the solution.
It’s not about being a better person (although that would be nice). It’s not about changing dating approaches (although that may happen spontaneously). The way out of this is to stop trying to get out of it.
Remember, this all started with a desire for a loving relationship — a desire you did not give yourself. After all, some people are aromantic. You then tried to get rid of this desire or thirst by getting the relationship. It seems logical at first, but what you are doing is trying to solve an emotional desire with a physical action.
Sure, you might say that a relationship is a physical thing but you could have anybody by your side and you wouldn’t necessarily feel fulfilled. It is the intangible qualities of a certain someone that will make the difference. It is therefore an emotional need.
So how do you fulfill an emotional need? You accept the feeling of the need, or to be more specific, you accept the feeling of the need unfulfilled. It’s a very simple answer that isn’t so easily done. But with practice, it gets easier.
For example, if you are angry, there is an emotional desire to be at peace because it feels better. To fulfill that need, you would have to first accept that you’re angry by allowing yourself to feel the emotion of anger. Anger isn’t a bad thing, but thinking it is and resisting it will be painful. Embracing it will set you free.
Next, you have to embrace the person, event or thing that caused you to be upset in the first place. Again, if you consider it a bad thing, that is resisting it. It will not help you to let go. But sometimes, when you embrace how something made you feel, you won’t even need this second step. Sometimes you will.
When it comes to romantic desire, allow the feeling of desire to simply be. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of desire without trying to get rid of it. By doing this, we curb emotional and psychological thirst. If we fail to do this, the desire become a craving and we become desperate. We will go back to solving our emotional issue through physical means. It may work for a time, but ultimately it will fail.
Is there a second step? Perhaps not. As I said before, no one can make themselves desire something. But if you find that your desire for a relationship hinged on some emotion or psychological state (for example, everyone else may have a relationship so you wanted one in order to fit in), then accept that emotion as well.
This is similar to desiring happiness. If you go for it directly, you tend to constantly remind yourself of how unhappy you are, which is why you’re trying to get happiness. If you embrace how you feel, you won’t need to chase happiness and when it arrives (which it will because everything changes unless you resist it), you will simply embrace it.
